Adventures with the Neti Pot.

It was day 97 of mouth-breathing and sounded like someone with year-round allergies who had adapted to eliminating the "th" sound out of her vocabulary. I broke down and called my mother who told me to buy a Netti pot. I got off the phone without saying goodbye, rushed down to the closest Rite-Aid in my sick clothes with wadded up toilet paper in my hoodie pocket and and roamed the aisles looking for this scary-sounding mucus wonder. When I was checking out, the clerk asked me if I was playing the game of life.

"Haha, I'm trying...just trying to get well." I said, as I thought, "umm....what...."

Then he hands me about a gazillion little Rite-Aid Life cards to keep playing. For future reference the correct answer is "no thanks."

Anyway, I got home anticipating leading a mucus-free day that consists of breathing and talking normally and a healed nose that is no longer bright red. I read the instructions carefully and laugh to myself at the image of the lady holding the Netti pot up to her nose with water streaming out the other side. So I concoct the water/saline mixture and prepare to be healed. I place the blue thing in my nostril and bend over while tipping my head to the side.

Nothing.

And then I start reading the material again to make sure I'm doing it right. I find everything I want to know about a Neti pot except "how long is it supposed to take?" Wouldn't that be an FAQ? One minute later, still nothing.

I start panicking. What if I drown because the water's not draining out? What if I stop the flow and it gets in my ears and I get a weird ear infection? I keep it there for another couple of minutes that feel like forever and a few drops of water come out the other side.

I finally stop the flow and race to my phone. I just moved into Kristen's house and don't have my computer yet so I call my mom so she can Google "how long for Neti pot to drain" and when my mom doesn't type those exact words, I know it. This is how it went:

"Mom! Can you please Google "how long for Neti pot to drain?" It's not draining! I think I might drown. Quick!"

"How do you spell Neti pot? Ok...let's see...the Neti pot concept has been used for centuries-"

"No, Mom. Did you Google what I said? Not just "Neti pot" but use the words drain, how long, all that." I want to cry.

"Ooooh, well, let me see...did you tilt your head?"

"Yes."

More reading of useless information that will not help me survive this experience.

"Mooom. I'm sorry. I know I'm freaking out but please Google what I said." Finally we find something that says I'm not going to die and that if it doesn't drain out it means one is too congested for the wonder teapot to help.

Awesome.

Since then, the Neti pot has made me more congested and I feel less than great about using it. I've heard it works wonders for people who aren't too bad but I should have expected something like that to happen seeing as how I'm a hypochondriac and everything. Unfortunately this is the most exciting update on my life right now.