Self control vs. Motivation vs. I don't care

I love wine. I'm a firm believer in drinking a glass of wine at night. Preferably a dry red wine. And when I go out I'm a firm believer in having an IPA or two with my friends. Alcohol, coffee, food...they are all substances that bring people together. I usually like to call a friend and "get a drink" because it's cheaper than dinner. I will inevitably have a drink with dinner so...getting a drink works just fine.

Sometimes I'm afraid to calculate how much money I spend in alcohol but it's time to get real real here. I'm trying to go on vacation and that means I need to save some dinero, plata or colones. (I chose Spanish words because I want to go to COSTA RICA on my vacay.)

Here's a snapshot of how much money I could save for my trip:

Week 2 of February 2012

Tobacco Road $11.37 (Happy Hour = glass of wine + app)

Whole Foods $8.90 (burrito + single beer)

City Bev $17.09 (beer + nachos ((best nachos ever))

Roxy $7.00 (one drink!)

James Joyce $10.00 (two beers)

Cosmic Cantina $8.70 (negra modelo+ quesadilla + Worst Date Ever 2012)

Nantucket $10.71 (salad I could have made at my house)

Maybe that's two week's worth of going out. Or maybe I went out more and I'm lying to my public. Needless to say, I could save a lot if I figured out what's important. In the past I have said that I value experiences over things and while I still do, I want to trade the common experience for a better one, in Central America so...my new goal is to get a jar and put the money I would have used for booze INTO THE JAR and then I will be RICH! I will trade this:

for an Imperial Lite on the beach (and don't think that my roommate in this picture will feel left out because she'll be on the beach too). So...unless you are a boy who wants to take me on a date and buy me drinks, let's go for a walk or come over for some chips and salsa and hang out! I will take a pic of the jar with all the $$ I've saved. If you never see that post you will know that I decided "I don't care" and I will just eat rice and beans forever.

Your permission.

Many of you have probably heard this story. If you're reading anyway I give you permission to skim it. That's right - I will allow you to do that.

I was sitting at my lovely oak-colored desk, starting my morning with a small skim mocha when my new boss walked in the office. Remember it's early. The phone rings and I answer in my pleasant phone voice I cultivated at Eurosport. "Thank you calling ------, how can I help you?" I wrap up the conversation neatly and professionally and turn to my boss who is now sitting in the chair across from me.

-Joy, I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a GREAT job.

-Oh thanks...

-I also wanted to tell you that when you answer the phone, I give you permission to use your name.

I look at him very confused, absolutely certain he's not taking this where I think he's taking it.

-Uuuhhhhm...

-Yes, I have heard that in SOME CASES, people need to know they are EMPOWERED! to do things. And this is it. I am giving you permission to be confident.

OMG. He's definitely saying it. I am mentally scrambling for the appropriate words but he has already launched into a story about how a sad little employee from McDonald's always felt guilty about charging a particular customer 15 cents for a cup of water until he said it was ok to charge him.

-You see, Joy, that McDonald's employee was just not confident in herself until someone told her she could do it.

I could tell my blood pressure was rising. I think I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Thankfully it was far too early to react quickly and I very calmly (in work-Joy mode) told him that I feel extremely comfortable on the phone and don't necessarily feel like I need his permission.

I can tell the words aren't getting through.

-Well good, Joy. I'm so glad we had this conversation. Good work. Good work.

What are you most looking forward to?

I have decided to start blogging again. It's been awhile. My lovely (former) roommate, Elizabeth, gave me this amazing Question and Answer book as my moving-away-from-Charlotte gift. Today's question was "Are you holding a grudge against someone?" I answered that for my own personal knowledge and decided to answer tomorrow's question for this entry, which is: What are you most looking forward to?

I love lists. I love New Year's resolutions. I love goals and I love questions that make you think. It can be especially annoying to some people but I love what if questions. What if I reached my goals? What if I didn't get roadblocks everywhere? To start envisioning things that I hope for was a good exercise for me because the past few months have made it difficult to imagine happy endings. After reading this amazing book about creativity, Breakthrough Creativity, I learned that one thing that helps me visualize solutions is to map them out using pictures. So I started doodling little stick figures that depicted the things I'm most looking forward to:

having my own place with a spot for my piano, having two hours out of my week where I get to volunteer at the Mexican consulate, feeling content with whatever job I get, reading the books on my 2011 book list, making one new recipe a month and finding community where I am. It's a neat exercise. Try it. In list form or maybe the stick figures will work for you too.

The shot put type?

Today I updated the "write something about yourself" box on my Facebook page. I don't know why I thought about this incident recently but I chuckled to myself when I thought of the time in 1992 that we went to Colorado for a....homeschooling conference. Among valuable workshops that my parents must have attended, there were also competitions for the kids. The things that stand out to me about this trip are:

1) My Mom's "snowy" pantsuit (which she also wore while shoveling snow this year in 2010). (Check back soon for a real photo!)

2) Feeling proud of myself for doing the high jump really well (for a 9-year-old).

3) Learning to "ski" down a rubber mountain that had dish soap on it.

And finally, getting to the whole updated section on FB...

4) Failing at throwing the shot put and being told I wasn't the "shot put type."

In the moment when I twirled around a couple times with the metal ball and tried to throw it, or "put it" if you will, I realized I was going to fail. The metal ball fell inches away from me. When the person judging tried to encourage me with exclamations like, "You're the runner type! Don't worry about not being the shot put type!" all I could feel was devastation that I couldn't throw the metal ball. In hindsight, I'm glad I finally got some closure on that situation. I occasionally run into these things as an adult. ie: singing, pottery, arts and crafts...but it's ok. I can try things as long as I don't mind failing sometimes.

Adventures with the Neti Pot.

It was day 97 of mouth-breathing and sounded like someone with year-round allergies who had adapted to eliminating the "th" sound out of her vocabulary. I broke down and called my mother who told me to buy a Netti pot. I got off the phone without saying goodbye, rushed down to the closest Rite-Aid in my sick clothes with wadded up toilet paper in my hoodie pocket and and roamed the aisles looking for this scary-sounding mucus wonder. When I was checking out, the clerk asked me if I was playing the game of life.

"Haha, I'm trying...just trying to get well." I said, as I thought, "umm....what...."

Then he hands me about a gazillion little Rite-Aid Life cards to keep playing. For future reference the correct answer is "no thanks."

Anyway, I got home anticipating leading a mucus-free day that consists of breathing and talking normally and a healed nose that is no longer bright red. I read the instructions carefully and laugh to myself at the image of the lady holding the Netti pot up to her nose with water streaming out the other side. So I concoct the water/saline mixture and prepare to be healed. I place the blue thing in my nostril and bend over while tipping my head to the side.

Nothing.

And then I start reading the material again to make sure I'm doing it right. I find everything I want to know about a Neti pot except "how long is it supposed to take?" Wouldn't that be an FAQ? One minute later, still nothing.

I start panicking. What if I drown because the water's not draining out? What if I stop the flow and it gets in my ears and I get a weird ear infection? I keep it there for another couple of minutes that feel like forever and a few drops of water come out the other side.

I finally stop the flow and race to my phone. I just moved into Kristen's house and don't have my computer yet so I call my mom so she can Google "how long for Neti pot to drain" and when my mom doesn't type those exact words, I know it. This is how it went:

"Mom! Can you please Google "how long for Neti pot to drain?" It's not draining! I think I might drown. Quick!"

"How do you spell Neti pot? Ok...let's see...the Neti pot concept has been used for centuries-"

"No, Mom. Did you Google what I said? Not just "Neti pot" but use the words drain, how long, all that." I want to cry.

"Ooooh, well, let me see...did you tilt your head?"

"Yes."

More reading of useless information that will not help me survive this experience.

"Mooom. I'm sorry. I know I'm freaking out but please Google what I said." Finally we find something that says I'm not going to die and that if it doesn't drain out it means one is too congested for the wonder teapot to help.

Awesome.

Since then, the Neti pot has made me more congested and I feel less than great about using it. I've heard it works wonders for people who aren't too bad but I should have expected something like that to happen seeing as how I'm a hypochondriac and everything. Unfortunately this is the most exciting update on my life right now.

Sorrow.

Dear Lord. Please come to us now in our times of sorrow. In our deep, intimate moments that no one else can see except ourselves. Heal the parts of our hearts that hurt from old wounds and doubt. Save us from the old demons who come back to haunt us and tell us lies that are so easy to believe. Strengthen us when we feel alone and empty. May you comfort the people whose lives have been shattered by the earthquake in Haiti. Be with the people who live their lives in angry self-defense and break down their walls. Be with those who cannot see their worth as a human being created in Your likeness. Give grace to us so that we may show grace and forgiveness to others, especially when it hasn't been asked of us. Show us our pride and our selfishness. Show us how to change. Take away the yearning to be right. Heal our hearts and teach us to serve.

Hello Twenty Ten!

Here it is ya'll. A new decade. Twenty freakin Ten. Or as I am still saying...two thousand ten. But I have been informed that that is poor grammar. Or that I'm poor. Or something along those lines. As I type my first blog of the first decade I am excruciatingly aware of many things in my life. I still have not found a car - I don't really have a job - don't really have a plan. But let's not be negative! Here is a small reflection from my journal. I always like to list things I've accomplished in the previous year and my hopes for the year ahead so...

Excerpt from my REAL journal slash it's a little edited:

1. Completed mission work in Los Anonos with amazing experiences and thankfulness.

2. Found part-time summer jobs successfully while fulfilling my dream of working in a coffee shop.

3. Went to language school for three months; made and maintained relationships with people who don't speak English.

4. Learned how to salsa.

5. Improved Spanish skills.

6. Had my 3 year anniversary of no smoking.

7. Became a vegetarian.

Other things of note...I grew strong in my faith only to then go backward which generated a lot of unanswered questions. I discovered my passions in life. I totaled my car. I tried surfing. I met the Caribbean Ocean and went to Nicaragua via chicken buses with two of my Best Friends in the world. I started playing volleyball again. I talked to my dad, albeit briefly, about politics. (Or really we discussed how we don't discuss politics).

As the new decade begins, I am at a crossroads in my life and am trying to seek the Lord for answers. Hello 2010 - I am ready for you.